Mrs. Goodnest
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't
want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that
hehad some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of
how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to
school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't
notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it
would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She
did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones
and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as
she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you
noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us? "
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it
says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life',
so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
==============
Posted with Kristi's approval and endorsement (she is a blonde).....she laughed as much as I did!::
So, How Blonde Was She???
She was Soooooooo Blonde that:
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #4 she took bus #2 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She thinks Taco Bell is the MEXICAN PHONE COMPANY.
+++++
Hunting season is just about over in Montana.
So, 2 hunters were out in the woods and discovered that they were lost. So the one hunter suggested that his partner shoot 3 shots into the air, the standard distress and "call for help" signal. They waited awhile, then fired 3 more shots into the air. They repeatedly tried this approach to getting help but nobody responded to their signals. Finally, the one hunter declared, now we're really in trouble. "Lost, and I'm out of arrows."
This just in from a friend.......
There were three finalists for a position at the CIA, two men and one woman. They were nervously awaiting their final testing when the CIA director came into the room to give the instructions. He said, "I am sorry to have to inform you, but as a final test of your loyalty we are going to ask you to step into the next room. There you will find your spouse tied to a chair and we are going to ask you to end their life."
One of the men went in first and came out almost immediately, tears streaming down his face. He said, "I just can't do it, I just can't. I love her too much."
The second man went into the room and after 10 minutes came out, distressed as well. He could not complete the task either.
Finally the woman went in. Immediately shots rang out one after the other followed by sounds of scuffling and banging. After a little while the door flew open. The woman was panting, hair disheveled and looked like she had been in a major fight. After being questioned about what happened, she announced, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to kill him with a chair!!!!"
===
The Pasta Diet and Your Health:
Italian Pasta Diet-----It REALLY works!
1. You walka pasta da bakery....
2. You walka pasta da candy store....
3. You walka pasta da ice cream shop....
4. You walka pasta da table and fridge....
You will lose weight!
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health: It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting, nutritional studies........
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSIONS:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
^^^^^^^^^
You Know You Are No Longer A Kid When....
Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not
there to do your laundry anymore.
Naps are good.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store,
wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and
then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !
::::::
Can you read this?
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
<><>>>><<<
A small child came home from Sunday school and
told his mother: "The teacher told us how God made the first man and
the first woman. He made man first, but the man was very lonely with
no one to talk to, so God put the man to sleep, and while he was asleep, God
took out his brains and made a woman out of them."
+++
====
Kristi gave me permission to post these blonde jokes, she laughed too:)...........
Football FINALLY makes
sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to
her
first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh,
I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the
big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other
over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded,
her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well,
they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game,
all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!"
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A few days ago a friend was having some work done at his local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundrend-ten?"
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, 'is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "of course....it's right there."
=-=-=-=-=-=-
Mother: "Billy, what are you doing there in the pantry?"
Billy: "Fighting temptation, Mom."
--
The trouble with opportunity is that it only knocks. Temptation kicks the door in.
===
On a church bulletin board: "Forbidden fruit has resulted in many a jam."
^^^^^^^
Consider the whale. Whenever he spouts off, he takes the chance of being harpooned.
^^^^^
Getting tired of prices for gas? Check out this link:
======
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on
a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang
of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young
woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't
listen. So I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.
I smacked him
on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring and threw
it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now
or you'll answer to
me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
Here's one that starts like a joke.....but see if
you're still laughing at the end.......
"The Drug Problem in
~author unknown~
=====
The following came from an
anonymous Mother in
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches
deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades,
they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20
ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling
fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year old
Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on
water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like
ovens.
20.) The fire department in
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
or without kids.
In the window of a small store in Gettysburg, PA, was a sign with these words, "If you can't stop in, smile as you go by." It takes 73 muscles to frown--14 to smile. No wonder the grouchy people are always tired. It has been said if you laugh every day it is equal to 10 minutes of exercise.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
--------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs
are white?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.
Can we ever thank them enough?
- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
- My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
- My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
- <>My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
- <><>My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
- <><>My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll
sit there until all that spinach is gone.
- <><> My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
- My mother
taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million
times. Don't exaggerate!"
- My
mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home.
- My mother
taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
<> My mother
taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston, a woman had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years and had been "called home to glory" following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: 3 January 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
==========================================================
2 snakes were hanging out. One said to the other “Are we poisonous?” The other replied, "Beets me, why?"
“Because I bit my lip”
On a church bulletin board: "Forbidden fruit has resulted in many a jam."
==
A man once said, "I've go so many troubles that if anything bad happens today it will be two weeks before I can worry about it."
==
The problem with losing your temper is that no one else wants it either!
After a hardy
and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle
through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad,
grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the
yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she said, as she shook
the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church,' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the
name of the Father, the Son and in the Hole-he-goes.
Wisdom From
Grandpa on Marriage…….
Trouble in marriage often starts when
a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or
for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become
one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
On anniversaries the wise husband always
forgets the past....but never the present.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment
only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military
man.....he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health.....and he's
already used to taking orders.
??????????
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing
an old family Bible
to her brother in another
part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments."
answered the lady.
____________________
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced
to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news
is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is,
it's still out there in your pockets."
____________________
While driving in
carriage. The owner of
the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back
of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs
on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
____________________
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He
is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you! know?" the
teacher
asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
____________________
A minister waited in
line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday
weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in
front of the service station. Finally the attendant
motioned him toward a
vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry
about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."
____________________
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the
center of attention.
____________________
A father was approached
by his small son who told him proudly, "I
know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible
means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay,
said his father. "So, son,
what does the Bible mean? "That's easy, Daddy. It
stands for 'Basic Information
Before Leaving Earth.'"
____________________
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared,
you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school
lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is
coming.
____________________
The minister was preoccupied
with thoughts of how he was going to,
ask the congregation
to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church
building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was
sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the
service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play
after I make the announcement
about the finances." During the service, the
minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty;
the roof repairs cost
twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge
$100 or more, please stand up." At that moment,
the substitute organist
played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is
how the substitute became
the regular organist!
____________________
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45 mph....................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph...................Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph...................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home Over
100 mph.................Precious Memories
at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
One day I had to be the
bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died
of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive
internal fart."
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God !" Time stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but, perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
----------------------------
Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
Everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then there's the wedding ring.
And then there's the suffer-ring.
Ha ha. BUT read James 1 and Philippians 3....suffering is a goog thing.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96. They lived in a house all together. One night the 96 year -old drew a bath, put one foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year-old sister yelled back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused before yelling, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old, sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listened to her sisters. She shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The burst of thunder sent a three-year-old flying
into her parents' bedroom. "Mommy, I'm scared," she said. The
mother, half awake and half unconscious, replied, "Go back to your bed. God
will be there with you." The small figure stood in the unlit doorway
for a moment and then said softly, "Mommy, I'll sleep here with Daddy, and
you go in there and sleep with God."
(1001 More Humorous Illustrations,
Michael Hodgin, #624. pg. 223)
Enthusiasm
is contagious----so is whatever else you may have.
Question......Since it is against the law to
drink and drive, why are bars allowed to have parking lots?
A smile loosens stiff hearts, melts angry icebergs.
Basil F. Northam, Historian#################
How come nearly all historical events happen next to a souvenir shop?Apparently a teacher has been arrested in possession of compasses, a protractor, and a straight edge. It is claimed that he is a member of the Al Geebra movement bearing weapons of math instruction.
Birthdays must be good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
A man once tried to diversify just before the stock market crashed. He invested in paper towels and revolving doors. He said he got wiped out before he could get turned around.
---------Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. Ruthless
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out al a little prophet.
-------------------------------
Religion teacher: "This bible story tells how Jesus cast out demons from a possessed man and sent them into a herd of pigs."
Student: "Is that how we got deviled ham?"------------
The average man's idea of a good sermon is one that goes over his head and hits a neighbor.
-------
After being pulled over for speeding, the law-breaker confronted the officer and said: "Why don't you people get organized? First you take away my driver's license and the next day you ask to see it."
Beauty is only skin-deep....but it is skin-deep: My wife was grading a science test at home that she had given to her elementary school class and was reading some of the results to me. The subject was "The Human Body," and the first question was: "Name one of the major functions of your skin." One child wrote: "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."(1001 More Humorous Illustrations, Michael Hodgin, #69 pg. 37.)
A lady celebrating her 102nd birthday was asked what she enjoyed most about her advanced age. "The lack of peer pressure," she replied.
Question: "What does one say at an atheist funeral?"Answer: "Good luck! All dressed up and no place to go!"
-----------------
Two men riding a bicycle built for two came to a long, steep hill. It took a great deal of struggle for the men to complete what proved to be a very stiff climb. When they got to the top, the man in front turned to the other and said, "Boy, that sure was a hard climb!" The fellow in back replied, "Yes, and if I hadn't kept the brakes on all the way, we would certainly have rolled down backwards."
+++++++++++
One frog
to another: "Time's fun when you're having flies."
********
A man asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "It's just like a single second of your time, my child." So the man asked, "What about a million dollars?" The Lord replied, "To me, it's just like a single penny." The man gathered himself up and said, "Well, Lord, could I have one of your pennies?" And God said, "Certainly, my child, just a second."
--------As mom was preparing
pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3, the
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
The mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson. She said, "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake,
I can wait."
Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay, Alex,
you be Jesus!"
****************************
A middle-aged man, famous for constant complaining and a nuisance to everyone who knew him, inherited a lot of money. After observing that it wasn't as much as he thought it should be, he told his wife, a gentle sweet-spirited woman, that he thought he would buy some acreage for them to enjoy in their retirement. "What do you think I should name my spread?" he asked, and she replied, "Why don't you call it 'Belly-Acres'?"
****************
Did you hear the joke that won a national award? Here it is.......What is brown and sticky?
Answer.......a stick.
:) :) :) :)
The story is told of a
waitress who couldn't get a certain customer to smile. The lady customer
seemed depressed, dejected, and very abrasive. The
food was great, but nothing could cheer her up. As the woman paid
her bill and started to leave, the waitress commented, "Have a nice day!"
To which the bitter woman responded with a snap, "I've made other
plans!"
(hmmm.....is there a lesson
in that "joke?")
****************************************
One Saturday a little boy asked his
Daddy if he could have a dollar for church on Sunday. His dad said yes
and gave him a dollar, reminding him to place it in the offering basket
the next day. That Sunday when the offering basket went around, his
father peeked over and noticed that the little boy did not put his dollar
in the offering. After the service, as his dad prepared to ask him why he
did not place his dollar in the offering basket, he watched the little boy
run immediately to the pastor. He reached up and handed the dollar to the
pastor, explaining that the dollar was for him. The pastor kindly said,
"thank you son, but you can place that in the offering basket." Then the
little boy looked up and said, "No, pastor, I want you to have this, because
my dad says that you are the poorest preacher he has ever seen!"
*************************
Did you hear about the guy who was rescued from a tropical island after being there all alone for years? His rescuers saw three huts on the beach. When asked about it, he said.....that is where I live. That 2nd building is where I go to church. The third building is where I used to go to church.
Hmmmmmm****************
