JOURNALS of A Monastery
Journey
Day 1 I am Not----
but HE IS
I’m at a Monastery in northern Virginia for 5 days. Before
I got here I was rather expecting a bunch of old guys hanging out, maybe
wearing robes and stuff. Actually, I’ve been surprised that
almost everyone here is under 30. It is an amazing place,
a great spot for a prayer retreat, which is what I’m doing---I just felt
like I needed to be here for some healing and prayer time.
They have a chapel that is a House of Prayer from 7 AM to 11PM and there
is always something happening in there, either a worship team or praise team
or a live video feed from another House of Prayer. There
is an International House of Prayer in Kansas that is active 24 hours a
day.
So, when I arrived and walked in, God met me at the door. It was
quiet inside, nobody around in my immediate view…..but God was there.
I really sensed His inviting presence and began to anticipate a journey
of renewal awaiting me.
Back in high school, I remember some of us taking German would throw around
a phrase outside of class, just for fun, “Ich Bin Nicht” (literal
translation----“I am not”). I was remembering that on the drive
to the monastery, for some reason. That became my theme for
the day, culminating when I noticed a book that someone else was reading,
“I am Not; but I know the I AM.” “Ich bin nicht”---but HE IS….He
is Lord, He is King, He reigns.
What does “Ich Bin Nicht” mean, anyways?
I am not in control
I am not the king
My rights are less important than God’s glory
in and through me
Personal pain never goes to waste when I look
beyond myself
I am not perfect, but I am not always to blame
I am not responsible for all the problems
I am not bitter…..Forgiveness must sometimes be
extended even when restoration of certain relationships may never happen
I am not the center of my world
“Ich bin nicht” means poverty of spirit, as in Matthew 5, blessed are the
poor in spirit, a poverty of spirit making more room for HIS Spirit---that’s
what I thought about last night. I’ve too often forgotten how
fulfilling the admission of poorness in spirit can be, admission of brokenness,
ushering in a greater sense of His kingdom reign in my heart.
Not long after arriving, I checked into my room and stretched out on the
bed and it started raining, really a downpour. I prayed that
these days would be full of showers of blessing, a downpour of His Grace
and Mercy, a renewed sense of his Reign in my life. It was wonderful
listening to the reign on the roof and praying for his kingdom reign in my
life. They told me it hasn’t rained here for months.
I prayed the words of the song, “Lord Reign in me, reign in your power, over
all my dreams, in my darkest hour, you are the Lord of all I am, so won’t
you reign in me again!”
As I went to sleep last night I was reading Psalm 29…..The voice of the
Lord reigns! This morning in prayer we sang a song about God raining
forth his blessings, pouring out His Spirit like the rain. I
shed a lot of tears last night, lots of grief and mourning, like the rain,
and I’m getting drenched in His healing mercy.
Day 2 Grace and
Mercy…..that is the theme for today. It started
when I woke up and turned to Romans 12, “In view of God’s mercy.”
I’ve memorized that verse before, “offer yourselves as living sacrifices,”
but I’ve never really mediated deeply on that clause, “In view of God’s
mercy.” A guy in the chapel was preaching a message about God’s
mercy that leads us to repentance and faith. The loving
mercy of a Heavenly Father is an amazing thing. Then in the
coffee room a young guy came in reciting a psalm about God’s mercy.
Psalm 33:18----“Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, On
those who hope in His mercy!” So, for me, I’m already
getting some incredible healing, hope-building time with God.
And so I’m on a journey here. Last night I did some weeping flowing
from the grief of all that occurred in our most recent ministry, challenges
which took me to new places of poorness in spirit, drained of joy, wrestling
with emotional poverty. There were some precious people
there who were hard to leave.
God started to build hope even last
night as I turned it all over to Him, acknowledging that I am Not but HE is
God, and He is healing my heart with renewed hope rooted in Grace and mercy.
Because I realize it’s not about me, it’s all about God, I can receive his
Grace and mercy---and He then makes it about me, in a redemptive sense.
Another thing blessing me here is the “Prayer Rhythm” times.
Every day at 7 am, 12 noon, and 9PM there is a prayer gathering using some
really neat liturgy. Last night just before the liturgical gathering
there was a worship team that I was really getting blessed by, especially
the song that connected with my emotions and brought tears with the words……
“My confidence assured my hope in Him Restored.” That’s what’s
happening with me.
I read also in Psalm 30 today……..
Lord, you brought me up from the grave
You spared me from going down into the pit (v3)
Weeping may
remain for a night (I did some crying last night)
But rejoicing comes in the morning! (v5)
To You, O Lord, I called
To the Lord I cried for MERCY (v8)
V11-12….. You turned my wailing into dancing,
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you, and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!!!
Day 3 Feet
Set in a Spacious Place----Grace and Mercy flowing to Places Beyond
Today, July 31st , I read Psalm 31:8-----
“You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a SPACIOUS
PLACE. That is an amazing God incident for me, as God had given Kristi
and I 2 Samuel 22:20 awhile back------“He brought me out into a spacious
place.”
So that is the theme today, Feet Set in a Spacious place. Flowing
freely with GRACE and MERCY.
I took a spacious walk along a 6 mile trail, out to where the James River
meets a bay of the Atlantic Ocean. Listening to the fresh water of
a stream flowing into the bay, and a guy told me that yesterday he had seen
hundreds of Jellyfish. The fresh water interacting with the salt water,
flowing into a spacious place, a neat environment……..grace and mercy flowing
to places beyond. God is taking Grace and Mercy to a broader place
in my life today.
On the hike, I watched some kind of heron overlooking the expanse of water,
standing on one leg. I guess if your feet are set in a spacious place
in the center of God’s will, feet set with God and In His grace and mercy,
you don’t need more than one leg to stand on. His Grace is sufficient.
This retreat has been a wonderful time of refreshing, reminders of how
God has always taken care of us, He has always made a way, and we are so
hopeful about the future full of his Grace and mercy on the new adventure
ahead……with our feet set in a spacious place where we can make an impact
for God’s glory and unto the building of His kingdom.
Day 4…….HOPE
I awoke this morning with the word HOPE in my heart, and that
has been the theme for today. I went to a church of people called
HOPE Church ----and came home with a HOPE coffee mug----- and I’m asking
God to fill the cup of my life with renewed HOPE.
The sermon at church was on Romans 8……a great hope passage.
“In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us”----
HE IS our hope! Hope brings the dawning of a new day. Nothing
can separate us from God’s love----His hope! The pastor read all of
chapter 8. V24-25 lept from the page for me----- “For in this
hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all.
Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not
yet have, we wait for it patiently.”
2 Songs touched my heart at church…..I was filled with
joy as I sang the words:
You turned my mourning into Dancing,
Put off my rags and clothed me with gladness!
A line in another song seemed prophetic, I’ve never sang these words
in a song at church that I can ever remember, but it is fitting for where
we are…… “leave your father’s home.” That helped me to be more
ok with leaving Cumberland. Following
the God of all Hope into a new future…..laying down my fears and taking
up his banner of Hope!
Incidentally, there is a reason I’m needing to embrace renewed hope today.
I have some fears about the ministry role ahead. I love the
story of Saul’s initiation into Kingship. He must have been
hiding some fears, hiding in his fears. When the time came for
him to step into his new role, the Bible says that God revealed…….
“he has hidden himself among the baggage." (1 Sam 10:18)
It reminded me of picking up Kristi’s mom and dad at the airport recently.
Their luggage actually arrived on a plane before them. We found
their baggage waiting for them. I’ve discovered something
in life, not only does our stuff catch up with us, sometimes it waits ahead
of us. One of the reasons I knew I needed to spend some time
here at the monastery was to insure that there is no baggage waiting for
me ahead. The baggage Saul hid in wasn’t his own baggage, but the baggage
of other people. So, I don’t want to hide with baggage, neither
mine nor that of others. God is dealing with me on fears
and anxiety so I can step forward into the next season with no cargo.
Day 5 HUMILTY…….Be
Strong and Courageous, with Humility
I woke up with that word on my heart, Humility.
Then I was reading from 2 Chronicles 32, and v7----- “Do not be afraid
or discouraged. In 2 Chronicles 32-34, Hezekiah and Hilkiah
both humbled themselves and their humility before the Lord brought victory!
I reflected on the question-----What does humility look like? I was
watchful this day for messages and illustrations about courage with humility.
-Christ modeled humility, he is humble and gentle of heart
-Take up the cross----that is about humbling myself even unto death to
self
-Be as a child, trust, faith
-There is no safer place to be ----weak than in the arms of the Savior
-Humility isn’t just putting yourself down, but being all you can be in
Christ, with courage, putting others first. I noticed a quote
on a sign on the walk I took this morning…… “I am taller today after walking
with the trees.” Can humility be learned by keeping myself around
bigger parts of God’s creation, is it humbling to be around huge trees and
mountains, helping us not just to feel insignificant but helping us to walk
taller? Maybe being around people spiritually bigger than
me, surrounding myself with hungry followers of Christ can help with humility
AND walking taller with courage and no fear.
Wow……the leader for the prayer time at 12:00 today read Psalm 18:19-----
“He brought me
out into a spacious place,
He rescued me because he delighted in me.”
Thanks, God!